Find your brave. Supporting our children in the Covid-19 era and beyond

We have experienced a period of unprecedented change over the last few months.  The Covid-19 pandemic has affected our work, our families and loved ones, and – of course – the children in our care.  Most of them will have missed some weeks from school.  Those who have returned to school have found it a very different environment to the one they left in March.  For trauma-experienced children, the impact of these changes, and the uncertainties accompanying them, have a huge impact.

Even before the pandemic, it was recognised that as a society, our children are suffering unprecedented levels of anxiety, stress and poor self-image.  What can we do to help?

Here are my top tips for investing in our children’s mental health and helping them find their brave:

1.     Have good quality conversations: valuing and engaging with them; involving them in what we do as a family, and acknowledging where they are when they are not with us.  Ensure they have our full attention when we converse; not checking our mobile phones when they talk with us, and being fully present.  This also helps model behaviour that will build their mental health.  Recent research suggested that countries with the fastest internet connections had young adults with the worst mental health.  We probably *feel* this to be true; we now have research that supports our fears.

2.     Social media:  our children spend longer each day on social media than in face-to-face conversations, especially at the moment.  We need to ensure they are safe here.  Our phone or internet providers will be able to help us set up parental controls that will limit access to ‘adult’ material, and limit screen-time.  This is not enough.  We have learned that our children are being directed to sites that encourage self-harm and suicidal thoughts, that show graphic photos, and also have ‘how to’ guides on them.  As parents and carers, we need to make ‘in real life’ as attractive and accessible as these sites are, to bring our children back from them, and to build strong and positive emotions instead.

3.     Meet them where they are:  on social media and promote our values here, where they see them.  We can be building a positive, inclusive, welcoming online community to give our children a safe space.  This will also work against the negativity, shaming and trolling that they are constantly exposed to.

4.     Time together in real life: our children need our presence.  We are their carers, their educators, their champions and their safe space.  We need to be seen by them as accepting and loving them, naming and validating their feelings, and helping them manage difficult emotions.  Our children need to be told.  We cannot assume they know they are loved, or they know we are on their side. 

5.     Respond to the need behind the emotion:  Our children will get tired, angry and shouty.  Our role is to see behind the anger, to the need that’s being articulated.  If we can name the emotion for them, then help them regulate, we are showing that all emotions (but not necessarily behaviours!) are acceptable, and can be managed. 

6.     We need to find our brave, too.  Sometimes, bravery is turning up to a tricky meeting, sometimes, getting out of bed is the biggest challenge.  If the children in our care can see us being brave, they can see that it’s achievable for them, too.  . So, let’s find our brave, and help our children find theirs.